Sunday, January 14, 2018

New Year, Same Me

I had no images in this post, so I threw in my most recent selfie so you can see what 2018 Natalie looks like.
Which is the same as 2017 Natalie, but hey I cut my hair!

Ah, the first post of 2018. This is where I'm supposed to talk about my New Years Resolutions, right?

Lately I haven't been in the mood to focus on new changes and goals. After my wedding I've had trouble getting my mindset as things going back to "normal," and I've struggled getting settled into any sort of routine, so adding new things into the mix doesn't sound appealing. This winter just seemed to be one thing after another. After the wedding was the honeymoon (and we all know how it feels trying to go back to routine after a vacation), then when we came home there was Thanksgiving, and we started a month long run of a new show at the theatre. Then there was Christmas and everything that goes along with it.

I know it just sounds like excuses; but my mind has trouble focusing on too many things at once. Like, I found it hard to sit down and write a blog post (something I started doing, multiple times) when I would realize that I still had Christmas shopping to do, or thank you cards to write, or oh god the laundry has piled up again. Sigh. But I like to think that January is when we get to wind down a bit.

Kind of got derailed there. Back on track! We were talking about resolutions; or the lack of them, in my case. I spend a lot of time wishing I was one thing or another. I wish I was skinnier. I wish I read a book a week like those cool book bloggers. I wish I didn't let others opinions dictate what I do. Just to list a few. This year I'm working on acceptance. Making improvements on yourself can be great, but for the most part I also think it's great just to accept yourself as your are (assuming you aren't doing anything harmful - take care of yourself please!). So this year I'm working on that. For example:

"I wish I was skinnier." Even though this thought creeps into my head from time to time, I know it isn't true. I mean, I wish I was healthier, which can sometimes lead to being skinnier, but no matter. Something I realized in the past few months was that it wasn't my weight that made me dislike what I saw in the mirror, it was my clothes. My drawers and closet were full of things I hadn't worn in years, because they didn't fit well, and I was too sentimental to get rid of them. Keeping them around was only making me wish for the body I had when I was nineteen. I felt overwhelmed every time I was getting dressed because I'd have to rifle through clothes that didn't fit to find ones that did (can you tell I'm not good at organizing?). So I donated a lot of it, sold some of it, and the pieces I truly couldn't part with went into a storage box that went under my bed. Now my drawers and closet are much emptier, but every item in them are things that make me feel good when I put them on. It's a simple thing, but has done loads for my confidence. I do still have some bad days here and there, but it's a process I guess. I'm definitely still working on my health (have you joined Powerpuff Bloggers yet?), but the main goal isn't to lose weight.

"I wish I read a book a week like those cool book bloggers." I used to read much faster. Not a book a week fast, but...faster than I do now. This is something I feel guilty about sometimes. I used to pride myself on being "well read" (for my age, anyway) and that just wasn't the case anymore. My Goodreads reading goal for 2017 was forty books, and I only made it 70% there. What happened? Well, I have more things to do, plus a wider array of hobbies. Back then I didn't work as much as I do now. I also wasn't interested in blogging, video games, yoga, or going out as much. Those are hobbies that are also important to me, and I shouldn't feel guilty for indulging in those as well. But it does mean I spend less time reading, which I need to be ok with. My reading goal for 2018 is thirty books. I think it's a goal I'll still need to actively work towards, but I won't feel as pressured :)

I do have one goal I want to work towards for 2018...but I'm not going to call it a resolution, because I don't want to feel like a piece of shit if I don't accomplish it. This isn't something I talk about much (if ever), but...I don't drive. I've tried learning many times, but I have a lot of anxiety associated with it, which has made things very difficult. Being an adult that can't drive herself around is starting to feel ridiculous (no shame to others who don't drive, I'm simply voicing how it makes me feel about myself). Getting my license is something that I know will take time, which is why I'm saying it's something I want to "work towards." If I do have it by the end of the year, then great! But as long as I'm closer to it than I was at the start of the year, then I'll be happy. In case you're wondering how I currently get around (because people always ask), I use Lyft, sometimes the bus, I'm lucky enough to live two blocks from one of my jobs, and of course Andrew gives me rides when he's available (bless him). I've made my situation work, but that doesn't make it ideal, or any less embarrassing. Anyway, the first step is getting my drivers permit again. I attempted to get it on Friday, but no luck. I went to the DMV in town without knowing they were closed for remodeling. So I went to the DMV in the next town over and by the time it was my turn to talk to the clerk, she said the testing wait was over four hours and by the time it was my turn, they'd be closing. SIGH. But she did give me the paperwork so I can at least get started and bring it in next week and can hopefully take my test!

Well, I guess that's it. Sorry this post is all over the place, and not as fun as my other posts (and less visual, I can't even think of what kind of image I'd post with this). I just wanted to pop in and talk about where my minds been lately :) Hope you're all having a great 2018 so far!

No comments:

Post a Comment